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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
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I\'m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: \'Can I help, sir?\' \'No thanks,\' says the blind bloke. \'Just looking.\'
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
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It\'s strange, isn\'t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go \'aaaaagghhhh\' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn\'t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I have an existential map; it has \'you are here\' written all over it.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
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Those are my principles. If you don\'t like them I have others.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
You can pretend to be serious; you can\'t pretend to be witty.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I don\'t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
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If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, \'cause if they couldn\'t, they\'d have to wake up to the fact that life\'s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can\'t seem to keep up is they\'re a bunch of misfits and losers.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he\'d lie just to keep his hand in.
Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
If you\'re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
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... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
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Ever notice when you blow in a dog\'s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
A man can\'t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can\'t remember what they are.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Don\'t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Barab?si\'s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren\'t, then I\'d be a teacher.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It\'s not a truck. It\'s a series of tubes!
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse\'s family too.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
If you can read this you\'re not aiming in the right direction.
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I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
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Love is the answer - but while you\'re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Finagle\'s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn\'t.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
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They laughed when I said I\'d be a comedian. They aren\'t laughing now.
I\'m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It\'s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I\'m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
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If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Attention to health is life\'s greatest hindrance.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT\'S relativity.
I have an existential map; it has \'you are here\' written all over it.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
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Don\'t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it\'s the exact opposite.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don\'t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
I\'d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
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We don\'t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
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If a man does his best, what else is there?
Hanlon\'s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
I never forget a face, but in your case I\'ll be glad to make an exception.
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
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I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don\'t have it.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I\'m not mad.
We\'re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
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In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
I have an existential map; it has \'you are here\' written all over it.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Honolulu, it\'s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife\'s mother.
I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, \'Why god? Why me?\' and the thundering voice of God answered, \'There\'s just something about you that pisses me off.\'
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Outside of a dog, a book is man\'s best friend. Inside of a dog, it\'s too dark to read.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Hanlon\'s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Devlin\'s First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin\'s Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels?!
Anyone who starts a sentence, \'With all due respect ...\' is about to insult you.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
If it wasn\'t for muscle spasms, I wouldn\'t get any exercise at all.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Either he\'s dead or my watch has stopped.
You\'ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
There\'s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that\'s ok because you\'ll be a mile away from him and you\'ll have his shoes.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
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The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn\'t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: \'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said \'I want a skip outside my house.\' He said \'I\'m not stopping you.\'
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it\'s fantastic.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The trouble with the Internet is that it\'s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Sex is like air. It\'s only a big deal if you can\'t get any.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you\'re gonna get.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn\'t have an air force.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I\'d invented a time
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven\'t said enough.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Research is what I\'m doing when I don\'t know what I\'m doing.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
We don\'t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Yes, I\'m fat, but you\'re ugly and I can go on a diet.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
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Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said \'I want a skip outside my house.\' He said \'I\'m not stopping you.\'
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I\'d invented a time
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn\'t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
If quantum physics doesn\'t confuse you then you don\'t understand it.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
I\'m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Emulate your heros, but don\'t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
If you can\'t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you\'d best teach it to dance.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
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If you\'re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that\'s ok because you\'ll be a mile away from him and you\'ll have his shoes.
You\'ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
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To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
最終更新日 : 2012/01/27/(Fri) 02:38
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